


"Without You"

by Restless_Writer



Category: Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (2013)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Deppression, F/F, F/M, Forbidden Love, Forgotten Love, Hatred, M/M, Obsession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Song Inspired, Toxic Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-08-21 20:07:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8259055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Restless_Writer/pseuds/Restless_Writer
Summary: Jordan goes to visit Nick a little after a year later hoping to recover some of what she had lost, but nothing is as it was before. Nick never knew he could fall so hard as they struggle to recover from that disastrous summer. Edited!





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I redid the story. Originally I got this idea listening to this song, so when I redid it I put it in. Still the same concept, just better written (Hopefully) and a bit more detail, with a bit of a twist, I own nothing. Comments appreciated!

_Summertime is nice and hot_  
_And my life is sweet like vanilla is_  
_Gold and silver-lined my heart_

_Lived on the dark side_  
_Of the American dream_  
_We would dance all night,_  
_Play our music loud_  
_But when we grew up,_  
_Nothing was what it seemed_

_I have nothing without you_  
_All my dreams and all the lights mean_  
_Nothing without you_

His eyes opened to the same sickening brightness they always did every morning with the intent on going to work. He was amazed he could even keep a job but he had, he managed. Today for some reason felt different though.

Waking up in the navy blue and oak darkness that was his room, he decided for the first time since that terrible summer he was going to try to put the bottle down and start his life over the way he wanted to live it. Finally have a life of the American dream he searched for then. Yet in the dark crevices of his mind he knew he would always be haunted by that one great man with the idea that maybe just once, he could’ve seen that Daisy wasn’t the only one that loved him.

He snarled at the thought, She didn’t love him, that bitch didn’t deserve him, He did. Who else had been the one Jay would always run to in the end? Who else had stayed up with him all night to keep that beautiful man and his bed company while that whore, the awful little princess he loved and desired to make his queen dangled herself in front of him till he needed her then disappeared, merrily running off with a brute she called her king.

Remembering that time, as he did so often, he couldn't help but think If he had just been there, if he had stayed a little longer, if only he could’ve told him...

The anger in him boiled over. Beside his bed was an empty bottle from the night before. Picking it up, curling his fingers around the glass he threw it against the wall watching it smash and shatter into a million pieces on the ground. He shouted, nothing verbal, not a word, just a shout, out of regret and anger.

Eventually he stumbled his way out into the living room and came upon an unopened bottle of whiskey  standing on a side table, luring him in. He picked it up and let the liquid soak up his regret as it slid down his throat.

A bitter laugh escaped him, The idea that he thought he could start a new life happily without Gatsby was nothing but a humouress dream.

Unlike Gatsby, he knew Dreams and fairytales couldn't exist in this world.

\---------------------------------------------------------------

After visiting with his doctor Nick came home and grabbed the bottle he started with that morning to finish it off. Not feeling the slightest bit guilty about it, The therapist he had never worked, not for a lack of effort or care, just the simple fact nothing was going to change unless one day he'd open his eyes and see that golden haired man again, and until then, until the memories stop and his regret lessens and his anger for being so damn sick, in love with someone he shouldn't be, or his anger for wallowing in the pain he just can't ignore ceased to put a strain on his heart and mind. With that thought, he put the bottle to his lips and gulped the burning liquid down, though it never burned the same as it used too.

Hearing a knock at the door he froze, who in the hell would show up here? He never held a personal relationship with anyone since then. Slightly annoyed at the stranger from the other side he walked over to the door, swinging it open with a clenched fist, only to be frozen in his tracks looking at one of the last people he'd expect to see in his doorway ever again. 

“Nick?” She asked, her voice full of concern with saddened eyes to match.

"J.. Jordan?" He said quietly, looking at her in disbelief that she was here. How did she find him? Why was she here? 

Her eyes trailed down to the ground, unable to face him yet. "I, I know seeing me must be quite a shock. I just..."

Her eyes looked back up to meet his red rimmed ones, this was not how things were supposed to be. Looking into his eyes She knew he was wondering why she was here, how she had the nerve to show her face around him again, but, in all truthfulness she couldn't explain it. Things had changed so much since he left, since he walked away from her without so much as a word.

She had no want to seek him out then but now, with this persistent feeling burning inside her she found him, even if her timing was terribly off and he didn't want to see her.

"M, may I?" She asked, hesitantly.

Staring at her blankly he thought about it. Should he let her in? He hated her just as much, yet He was curious as to why she would just show up on his doorstep just a year after the fact.

He gave her a stiff nod and moved out of her way, holding the door open as she slowly, step by step entered his house.  

A flashback of him standing alone in a room her and so many others had come to celebrate in, the memory of her, as well as many others, one person in particular not showing up to his funeral, the memory of her reaction to the dead woman that turned their summer into tragedy, the memory of her never doing so much as to even call him after, it all returned and his anger resided.  He hid it behind a small, ficticious smile waiting to erupt.

“So where are the other two Jordan? It normally seems that when one goes the rest follow, so just where could the lovely couple be?”

She smirked at his comment and sat on the sofa of his living room.“They’re in Paris, I believe. They left just after the incident occurred, haven’t returned since.”

“Guilty bastards.” 

With a twinge of regret she agreed. "They’re awful, I know." 

 He stood across from her, leaning against the Mantel of his unused fireplace, a mocking smirk stretching across his face. “You certainly didn’t think so when you all agreed not to come to the funeral.” 

Her face went blank, tugged back like the wave of an ocean away from the sand.

He could tell it had hurt, but he had no concern for her anymore. The only thing keeping him so calm was his mere curiosity of it all. “What are you doing here Jordan?” 

"I, I just wanted to check on you Nick. Id been terribly worried about you since you left, so I decided to make it a point to come and seek you out, even if you hadn't wanted to be found."

His nerves only heightened the Longer she stayed. He knew she was lying. He knew better then to just mindlessly believe that curt voice and icy smile. She had been right smut onr thing though- he most certainly did not want to be found, specially by any of them. "Why?" 

Her mouth opened as she struggled to come up with an answer, but Nick had already known she truly didn't have one.  

"If that's so-" he started, twisting his mouth up in an inquisitive manner. He looked over at her and suddenly all of those memories became much more vivid in his mind. He grinded his teeth together in hatred. "Then just where in the hell have you been this past year and a half? You seemed to have left your worries about me and everyone else before without a care in the world, so tell me why must you be so concerned now?” 

She looked up at him with sorry eyes, Her jaw dropping, unprepared for his temper to flare so quickly.

He laughed through his nose and reached for the bottle that  sat on the small table across from him. “No. I don’t believe you are sorry."  "I believe you’re tired of being alone and came back for just that, or to escape but you’re not truly sorry. None of you are." 

Her brows creased, her eyes suddenly becoming much darker as she stared at him stone faced. "That's.. not fair to say at all Nick. I might not have tried to reach you but as I recall you left the city with out as much of a word to anyone. Your goodbye to me was a telephone call that you had ended before I could say a word. I-" 

"You had made your mind up once and so had I. He trusted you Jordan, yet you shunned him just like the rest! How could I have faced You after that? You were just like them. " 

She tried shaking her head in denial only angering him more. “Yes, you are. You are just like them! No better than the whore and the man she so foolishly stood by you are just, like, them.”

“That’s not fair to say at all Nick!" She shouted "I cared for him too, you know I did.”

He shook his head and chucked. “Ofcourse you did,"  "Had you not, maybe all of our lives would be sufficiently easier and just maybe Jay wouldn’t have had to die!” He shouted, his voice cracking like an old porcelain doll that had been mishandled. 

Jordan's raw shocked eyes gave way. She couldn't believe he would blame her for such a thing, ”I did not kill him, I will not be the blame for that!"

Her face became horrified at the thought. She was not a murderer, once she told Nick of their meeting she was barely involved- with any of them. If anyone was to be angry it should be her.  "As I recall" she growled "you had been much obliged to help as well, before you fell so in love with him yourself."

He blinked at her. So she knew.

"Yes_ and? Are you implying I killed him?" His all demanding eyes awaited an answer. He walked up to her slowly and stood over her as she sat on his couch, frozen.

"Becouse let me tell you-" He growled "You have no idea how much I already believe that's true."

Shuddering out a breath of air, she looked away from him. She hasn't come here to fight. “I know you loved him, Nick. Perhaps more than anyone else could have but hes gone. Hes not coming back. You can’t keep hurting yourself over the past any longer, look at all it has done to you -“

"Shut up!" He demanded, making her flinch. He rushed over to the door and swing it open. Pointing towards it as he shouted.  “SHUT UP. SHUT UP AND GET THE FUCK OUT!”

“Nick!” Jordan cried, standing up to go to him. "Stop this!" 

He shook his head and quickly backed a few feet away from her. “Don’t dare come near me.” He growled, squinting at her with eyes of black.

In that moment She obeyed, never being so unwanted by him before. 

"Jordan- you don't have a clue of what your speaking on. Don’t ever, ever tell me that again. You don’t know the love we had because you’ve never felt it, you’ve never felt the regret I have so It’d be impossible for you to understand I will not recover from that, not you, nor anyone else could help me. You need to leave; you never should have showed your face here in the first place…”

Instead she stood tall with defiance in the middle of his living room.“No, I’m not leaving this time“

“Jordan”- He warned. "The man I used to be is tainted. I'm not the same as I was before_ I don't want to hurt you as i do the rest, but I can."

 She continued to stand, refusing his wishes. He walked over to her and grabbed hold of her wrist tightly. "Look at me dammit. How do you know what he would’ve wanted? How do you know this isn't what I or anyone else deserves- “He hissed in her face.

She tried to loosen his grip but he wouldn't, so she stood, trembling in his hold, refusing to stand down, her eyes showing no defeat.

Slowly he let go of her wrist and tugged his hair back in frustration. He sighed. "Dammit Jordan- we arent what we used to be- we are nothing. Theirs no sense in hanging around- it It would make this harder for the both of us if you don’t leave”

She shook her head, she wasn't going to leave him to drink himself to death, and she wasn't going to go back to the city either. The city had lost it's glow for her in many ways and sh had no plan to return to it, especially with out him. "No dammit! I don't care what you say about us- do you think I'm unaware you felt the same about us then as you do now? Do you think I give a damn-"

Her persistence triggered a sudden burst of rage in him. Shouting something incoherent Jordan had no time to react as he quickly threw her on the couch.

"Nick-"

"Shut up!" He shouted. Clenching his fist, he did the unthinkable as he raised it up and connected it to the side of her face.

He clenched onto her body as he leaned over, shocked at his own actions. “Damn it Jordan, don’t you see? I am dangerous.” 

Through her reddened face she looked up at Nick. The blue eyed man she met so long ago was gone, but she didn't care, her Jordan was gone as well. “Hurt me all you want Nick, It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m staying, even if it kills me.” She whispered into his ear.

His breath hitched. The girl he met in West Egg was not the girl before him. The Jordan Baker he knew never settled for anything less then what she wanted, that’s how she had lived her whole life, what could have possibly changed her? Maybe, he thought, he wasn't the only one spiraling down this trail. He was a drunken, disorderly, mess, and she was a broken women, a piece of her strength chipped away from her, god only knows why.

Setting into silence, he stumbled off of her, reaching for the rest of the bottle. He sat on the  table and looked across at her. "What- what happened to you?"

She sat up, holding her face where he hit her. Still in disbelief that It had happened. "It- it doesn't matter." She whispered sadly. "I- I don't plan on staying here. I wouldn't impose on you in that way. But I'm staying in town. I can't go back to that city."

"So you are here to run away?" He suggested in a low and rapspy voice, taking another sip from the bottle to finish it off.

She looked down at her hands, averting her eyes from his. "Not exactly running away from anything. I just-"

"It must be, why else would you say you can't go their and then come here- to one of the smallest towns in the middle of Minnesota if you weren't?"

"Nick lets not do this again. I said I'm here for you and that's all that matters I-"

"But you werent here before!" He shouted, slamming the empty bottle onto the ground. "That's the fucking problem Jordan. You weren't here- you weren't their for him, You were never-"

"I'm sorry!" She cried, swinging her arms out. "I'm sorry I wasn't their before! I'm sorry I didn't show up to his funeral, but just what would yo want me to do about that? You have no idea the hell I went through after that summer" 

"Bullshit Jordan!" He growled. "How can you say that? How dare you tell me you'd been so broken, when I was the only one left to break!" Tears fell rapidly down his red stained cheeks Remembering Jays beautiful blue eyes becoming lifeless on the hard cement, and how much he pined for Daisy- the careless woman that would never see how truly beautiful he was when someone who would have cherished him forever stood right by him, unnoticed. He tugged his hair back in frustration begginging to sob. "Everyone else had marrily run off leaving me to pick up the pieces. So dont you DARE look me in my eyes and tell me how awful that time had been for you."

"I" He sighed. "I want you to leave- leave me, leave Gatsby, leave it all behind and forget about it. You could never replace him anyhow but I had been to foolish to see it. You won't want me anyhow Jordan, I've hurt you far more then I've ever wanted. I think it's time we forget about eachother-"

"I cant do that Nick." Her voice cracked, promptly refusing.

"Why can't you Jordan don't you see where I'm getting at? We were-"

"Becouse we need something Nick!" She pressed. Slowly she let go of him, her eyes never leaving his. "I heard how awful you'd been doing, and it's fairly clear I have not been doing so well myself, so I left New York to find you. Were both damaged with nowhere to go."

  


The rest of the night had fallen into an angry, drunken, disastrous blur for the both of them, Nick only vaguely remembering carrying her off to his bed after her passing out halfway on his couch.

To mentally and physically exhausted to move he fell asleep on the floor of his living room with a bottle of Jack in his hand as his comfort. 

****

He faded into somewhere he couldn't see. The abyss of black he was surrounded by was terribly cold. In the distance, a figure surrounded by a golden hue stood elegantly, but he was too bright- to far away for Nick to decipher who he could be.

“Jay?” He asked hopefully. Nicks skin paled as he felt a chill go up his arms. The figure started towards him, as if he were walking down a path to dark  for Nick to see.

Jay nodded with a sad smile creeping onto his face. "Yes, its me old sport.”

Nick wanted to believe him, but the first time he had done that he ended up waking up in a cold sweat with tears rushing down his face knowing he was to never see the real Jay Gatsby again. It led him into a deeper state of depression then he had been. "No," Nick shook his head denying the cruel tricks of his mind. "You’re not real you never are.” 

“I didn’t think you would believe it, but you see, I am real old sport.”

Nick gasped, not being able to remember the last time he felt joy. Not even thinking he runs to him, a fear in the back of his head that he’d fade to dust and his eyes would open to the same disappointment they always did but this time, they didn’t. He embraced him, his hands feeling the warmth of his skin. 

Once in his arms Jay embraced him lovingly, holding him tight as he used to when they’d be alone and in need of something more. Nick didn’t want to let go, he’d missed the warm touch he had or the strength of his arms wrapped around him. Jay made everything better, life after him had been such a dark, lifeless, loveless hell just that one touch could stimulate a brightness he hasn’t seen in a very long time.

Slowly letting go of eachother Nick looked up at Jay and smiled genuinely for the first time in god knows how long. “I’ve missed you Jay. I’ve wanted for so long to be able to join you but I always happen to wake up to the same bright morning with defeat. It’s not fair what they did to you, you didn’t deserve…”

Jay took a step back and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’ve missed you too old sport. I’ve missed you too. But I must say you’re not the same man I always admired you to be.”

The smiled on his face twitched, starting to fade. “What do you mean Jay?”

“What I mean is,” he walked up close to him, pushing his brown hair back as he looked into the eyes of the broken man with sympathy. “I’ve been watching over you Nick, but I’ve been reluctant to come to you as it would only make you hurt more.”

He smiled warmly while politely disagreeing. “Jay, seeing you could never make me worse then I already am.”

“I’m gone, Nick." Jay said remorsefully, letting go of his hold on Nicks shoulder. "Though I might always be here to look over I can’t come back, not in the way you want. You must stop this madness- It’s not right. You have to let go of all this hatred and sadness inside you so the both of us can be at peace.”

He can feel his heart sink down from his chest letting Jays hand slip away from his. “But… but Jay I can’t help it. What they did t you-“

“I know what they did Old sport, but wasn’t it you who told me to forget the past?”

He frowns “Well yes, but-“

“Well You were right old sport. We all have to let go of our- pasts.” He winked at him. "You need to let go of the past Nick, find someone who will help you through to become who you once were, the Nick Carraway i came to love. I want you too live life for the both of us. I can’t stand watching you in pain. My only request is that you don’t forget about me in the process.”

Nick sobbed as he could feel his heart break into two, this wasn’t supposed to be a goodbye, if anything it was supposed to be his time to meet again. He was more then ready to leave the world he faintly lived in behind.

“I’m sorry about this Old Sport, but I must go." He frowned. "I will always watch over you, I will always be with you, Remember that Nick I beg you. This was only to protect you from the man your becoming, I had no intention of disappointing you or breaking your heart once more. It breaks mine too…” Jays voice cracked before he quickly pushed through the sadness with a loving smile. “I suppose this is Goodbye for now, Old sport.” He said sadly.

“I love you Jay Gatsby, don’t you ever think I didn’t. I love you and I don’t think I can say goodbye.” Nick croaked out through a sob.

Jay turned around for only a second with one of his rare smiles. “I love you too Old sport. I love you too.” Just as quickly as he came he was gone, and in the matter of a second Nick woke up in a coughing fit, realizing he had been very close to drinking himself to death, a death Jay saved him from.

He hoped for a moment that none of it was real, until he woke up with one of his other war medals in his hand that Jay never gave to him before. Looking at the piece of shiny gold in his hand he cried harder than he ever had, knowing that was the last time he’d seen Jay Gatsby, and the last time he’d ever likely see him again until it was his time that he knew was not likely to come soon, since very time he tried to end it, he'd always come back some how, becouse someone was always watching over him. Though he wished with every part of his being that he'd just let him fade, so they could be together for good. He had came close to touching death tonight and he silently wished to god that he had.

That bastard, if he hadn’t been so blinded by that monotonous green light, maybe he could’ve held him forever, he’d give everything to hold him just one last time. Instead everything they could’ve had was taken away in an instant without any time.

“Why would you do this to me? Why would you save my life when your goodbye was already slowly killing me?” 


	2. The Morning After- Jordan's View

_Everything I want I have_  
_Money, notoriety and rivieras_  
_I even think I found God_  
_In the flashbulbs of your pretty cameras,_  
_Pretty cameras, pretty cameras_  
_Am I glamorous? Tell me, am I glamorous?_

 _But burned into my brain all these stolen images_  
_Stolen images, baby stolen images_  
_Can you picture it?_  
_Babe, that life we could’ve lived_

 _Hello, hello!_  
_Ca-can you hear me?_  
_I can be your china doll_  
_If you want to see me fall_  
_Boy you’re so dope, your love is deadly_  
_Tell me life is beautiful they all think I have it all_  
_I have nothing without you_

Your eyes flash open from the light of the sun shining through the cream colored curtain of the bedroom you awoke in. You take a moment to remember how and why you ended up in this very unfamiliar place. Sitting up, You look in the mirror into your puffy red eyes as everything you could possibly remember from the night before floods your mind.

You swallow hard, the memory leaving an unfamiliar pain in your heart. The scratchiness you feel in your throat reminds you of the words you screamed at each other from the top of your lungs. Words you might not have meant, words you wish you never said.

Theirs a rather large purple mark on the outline of your jaw from when he grabbed you, and another even darker bruise remains on the side of your face, mocking you... No one had ever touched you like that since, since you were a young girl. 

You were sixteen then... the last time you had been touched like that, so careless and bright, utterly naive you were. It was one of the hottest summer days Louisville had ever had yet you walked down those country roads in one of your thickest and frilliest dresses, because Daisy loved it when you dressed up in that way. You had snuck out of your house that night to go to one of her extravagant parties you always heard of but could only dream about. You felt lucky enough that she had even thought to invite you, because you were younger and much different from her usual crowd. You had to go, if only to catch a glimpse of that bright as diamond smile that left you mesmerized. 

As you rushed down the road, looking every which way to make sure noone had seen you you look ahead to see her bright inviting home, so close you can hear a faint bit of the music playing through the field. Against your control, your legs quicken as if you were being pulled their, your heart beating faster feeling just so close to her you can almost sense her floral perfume she wore so often that always invited you to lean closer and breathe her in even more. 

Suddenly you hear someone whistling, it startles you to a stop thinking you had been caught by your father. Slowly you turn around, only to see an awful boy, a boy that went by the name of Tommy approaching you. He was around your age but didn't go to school and was always so horrible to you. He slowly started towards you, a horrible, dirty grin stretched across his face. His dry, thick southern draw rang in your head, screaming danger as he spoke to you. 

"Well Miss Jordan Baker, getting herself all dolled up for once in her life. For that Buchanon girl no doubt." 

How would could he have known? Sure, you had always seemed happier any time you got the chance to see her, and ever since you had met your style, along with the color of your lips had changed dramatically, but how was he to know it was all for her? 'Buchanon girl' he called her. Absolutely not. Daisy Fae was a girl that deserved respect, you wouldn't allow a nobody like Tommy to treat her any different.

You grinded your teeth together, clenching your first. "You keep her name out of this." 

He was so close the scent of tobacco that clung to him only became stronger. His eyes gleamed something dangerous as he came face to face with you but you didn't scurry off. Instead you stayed, silently readying yourself for the punch. 

"Whattd you say, girl? If you are a girl. Sometimes I'm not so sure." 

He started grabbing your face but you shoved his arm away every time. "Back way from me!" You cried. Only he didn't, instead he gripped your wrist in an odd way, wringing it tight in your hands. For the first time in your life you had truly felt fear as his other hand started running all over you. You struggled to get out of his grip, screaming and shouting "Tommy what are you doing? Let go- let go-"

All of a sudden you were thrown onto the dirty ground, hidden by the tall grass of the abandoned field. He held your face down against the earth as you struggled to breathe. Everything felt hot, and you werent sure of anything around you anymore besides his voice, calling out to a group of boys that were just like him who must have been hiding somewhere near by. You could feel their presence crowding around you, their eyes burning holes into your dress as you laid their, begging for something, anything to save you. You for a quick moment, thought, wished Daisy would for some reason step outside and somehow know you needed her, and she would be right their to hold you and take you away. Your delusional fantasy quickly faded away like a ghost at the sound of his growl. 

"It's bout time you learn your place if your gonna play the part, girl." It sent a shiver down your spine. You remember hearing their muffled voices but not the awful words they spoke, you remember not understanding what was to come until you felt strange hands hold you down and you could feel that same awful boy from behind on top of you. You screamed with all your might but noone bothered listening. You can't recall ever making it to her party that night, and when you returned to your home early that next morning a dirty, rotten bloody mess you only remember your mother shouting that she couldn't believe her daughter would ruin such a pretty dress, and that young ladies were not supposed to be out so late. 

You never told your mother what happened becouse you never had the chance, too busy saving yourself from being disowned you never had the chance to speak. Not that she would listen anyhow, far too interested in her other affairs. And daddy? Only sober enough to keep the family fortune. The only thing you had left was your Daisy, sweet, darling Daisy. 

You hadn't seen her much after that, after she had told you she stopped speaking to her family she came to you. A frown on her face you wished with everything you could make go away. You calmly sat her down next to you, a comforting arm holding her shoulder as She cried to you. Her tears glittering and silver as they fell onto your skin. She was telling you she was planning on running away. Instead of crying with her, begging her to stay you only held her tight and kept your chin up proudly, telling yourself she wasn't going to leave. 

She didn't, and stayed by your side mostly after that. You thought you had ahold of her heart just as she had ahold of yours, until Tom Buchanon swept in and toulk her away within just the matter of weeks. Oh that wedding, the moment you heard her beautiful, melodious voice say "I do" was the death of you. Never the less you smiled next to her as the cameras flashed and she hugged you goodbye, on to living a life you wold not be apart of. You forced yourself to blind the world with your smile that day, becouse seeing those Bambi eyes shine up at you was worth all the heartbreak you could ever hold.

 You believed your mothers ice cold heart was to blame for leading your poor father to his grave that very next day. You kept silent about that however as ladies didn’t gossip about such heinous things, and you were a lady back then, a delicate little flower, or you had been. It was sudden, and ended even more suddenly. Your aunt, however dear and old she may have been demanded you leave with her. So without as much of a goodbye you packed up your things to join the big city and forget all that you had left behind. Luckily for you, you learned very early on in life the only one to depend on and strive for was yourself, and you learned quickly how to bury all of your pain into sports and making sure you finally would get treated the way you deserved, even if you had to force it. You kept your desire for Daisy deep down inside, the pain o your abuse and the awful memories of your home deep down and lived in the moment surrounded by fame, shining like a diamond in the spotlight, so bright it blinded you and all that crowded around. 

 As if the gods heard your silent cries for help, Daisy Fae returns to the city and you spend the rest of your days playing golf and living a lavish life with the woman you pined for. It was golden, so pristine you think nothing could ever touch it. Until the heat of The summer in 1922 comes and ruines everything you had worked so hard to grasp. Love is a foolish thing. You were foolish enough to fall in love with Daisy... That blonde headed misery can never quit leave your head, can she? No matter how much she tramples on you and many others hearts, yours still beats for her when you think about it sometimes.

It was even more foolish of you, to fall deeper in love with a man by the name of Nick Carraway. 'Honest' 'Caring' 'Reserved' Nick Carraway. You loved him for everything he was and wasn't. He was your idea of an escape, he was perfect up until he wasn't... what makes you even sadder is that you still love him. We were all foolishly in love, weren't we? u are now. 

You blink your eyes once, twice, and are brought back to the present knowing all of those memories are what lead you here, alone in the room of a faint ghost of that same man you fell in love with. You know he isn’t the same, the man you met before never would have hurt you the way he did- never would have hurt you at all, and you are very aware the man you fell in love with had died. You can’t blame him though, he had lost everything just like you and had warned you but for some reason none of that mattered, it still doesn’t, you stayed and youre choosing to stay.

Used to looking at yourself in the mirror you try to remember the last time you felt how you looked. The girl outside, in the eyes of the people was a finely polished diamond, yet the girl on the inside was a lonely, very much forgotten doll someone had stacked on a shelf. But you're not a diamond or a raggady old doll, and your tired of posing as one, another one of the many reasons you dissappeared from New York.

You scowl at yourself and remember exactly why you can’t stand to be alone. You start to feel how you normally do when you’re in this mood, constricted, disgusted, broken. As if upon instinct you look at yourself in the mirror and slowly strip yourself of the clothes you were wearing, revealing your golden skin in some high waist, thin lace negligee you only wear to hide the truth. You look at yourself, disgusted, for quite a long time when your eyes come across a light pink, rather large scar going across your stomach.

You don’t cry, and you don’t dare touch it as it would just be too hard to bear so you just look at it. It being The only thing that helps you remember the strong women you’d become, some sinister technique to help you remind yourself of all you’d been through in life, what the man you still loved meant to you, and gave you some grainy picture in your mind into the life you could have lived.

And the flashback of one of the hardest parts of life you had to live through vividly plays through your mind. You start to remember when you first found out, just after everything had fallen apart, just after he had left. You regretted nothing, you loved him and hoped one day he’d remember he loved you too, the only reason you pushed him away before was because he broke your heart, and you were growing rather tired of having your heart broken. Yes, you had said you didn’t give a damn about him, but only because you were to strong to admit for the first time in life you had needed someone, and you regretted letting him go every day since- that is Until you found out about your surprisingly new little miracle that was hopefuly going to bring you two together again.

Knowing he must have still been furious after what had happened with Gatsby, you had avoided him. You had told him you were engaged before he left. What could you have possibly told him next to explain this sudden change in plans? But you swallowed your courage like you would a glass of whiskey and wrote to him. You were 5 months by the time you finished that letter You wouldn’t have been able to bear hearing him blame you..

You wanted it, all you could imagine was him coming back to you and creating this very new very realistic dream of yours. Until, just as you were heading to drop off the letter to him at the post office, you finally found another careless driver in your midst. Your careless driving days had ended the night you saw Mrs. Wilsons body laying coldly on the pavement, but Nick always had a way of being right one way or another. I had met another careless driver when he crashed into the side of me, taking away my last bit of everything. You remember how you never ended up sending him that letter, it would have just worsened his condition, and based on these so called fits of anger the press said he had you had no want too, and Though it broke your heart when you awoke in that hospital you toulk another one of those looks in the mirror and refused to fall apart. So you hid your face, just like your mother taught you, behind the flashes of pretty cameras for the next year as if nothing could ever be wrong.

\ Now, you had planned on telling Nick- the only person you thought in this world it would matter too- everything you could ever tell him just last night, but that plan went straight to hell the moment you walked through his door.

He thinks your life has been everything you want, but he had failed to see behind your silver eyes. 

You were both Two very broken fragments of the past, exhausted by lives you both wish you had never lived. Those are the true reasons you escaped New York to stay with him, even if you’re aware staying around could be the very thing that kills you both in the end.

******

"Jordan!" Nick shouted, bursting in through his bedroom door. He saw Jordan, laying on the ground unclothed infront of his full length mirror that was completely shattered. Her body shook wildly, her hand tightly clutching a piece of the glass from his mirror.

"Oh my god-" Nick whispered. The roses he was going to give to her dropped onto the floor as he rushed over to her.

A mix of crying and screaming escaped her as she laid out on his floor, all of her desires that turned to dissapointments, her unforgiving past exhaling from her screams, and in her blood that leaked out onto the floor around her.

He ran out of the room to call an ambulance then rushed back to her. He put her head in his lap, resting her body against his. Gently he slapped her cheeks in an attempt to keep her awake. "Hey, hey It's me- Nick- I'm here Jordan. I'm right here." He whispered frantically. He remembered hearing her scream yet still he wondered- how in the hell could this have happened?

He looked down at her hands, both bloody and bruised, glass embedded in the knuckles and sides. Her right hand clutched a large piece of glass until he quickly preyed it from her tightly curled fingers. 

Gatsby was right- he had to find something that would take him back to who he was- and that was why she was here. Jay knew all to well she was the only other thing that would've kept him in New York and the only thing that had the ability to save him now.

A small groan escaped her, he put his attention back on her, noticing the darkened bruise on the side of her face, the bruises he'd left so carelessly the night before bright against her creamy white skin. "God- Jordan, I'm so.. I'm so sorry Im so... I never meant to hurt you I never should have.." He sobbed, he sobbed for the man he was then, for regret, for losing the one thing he toulk for granted.

 She was growing absurdly tired and wanted nothing more then to close her eyes, but this blob, this blurrying moving object over her refused to let her.

"No, dammit I lost Gatsby I will not lose you too!" He shouted. 

The voice, she could still recognize that voice, she'd recognize it anywhere.

"Nick?" She asked weakly, her voice just barely reaching his ears. 

",Relieved he nodded, still rocking her against his lap. "Yes, yes Jordan It's me."

"Please," He pleaded. "Please stay with me. I was a monster towards you last night. You have no reason to forgive me. You knew exactly what I needed and I didn't- you don't deserve the pain I caused. But please, stay awake. Please."

Suddenly she felt an urge to want to stay awake, but her body, swallowed in pain and starving for energy dragged her further and further away. She realised she had made a horrible mistake and wanted desperately to keep her eyes open but no longer could. With all the strength she had left she spoke to him. "Im.... Tired... Nick..." 

"I know- I know you are but you have to fight it- your Jordan Baker, and no matter what you have been and always will be to damn strong for your own good. For gods sake- fight it!"

 Her breaths fell shorter, her eyes less quick to flutter open with each passing minute. "It hurts- Nick-y"

"I know it does, sweetie I know- but it'll be better. Everything will, you, me, it'll be better."

The ambulance rushed into his home and picked her up, rushing her outside with Nick following quickly behind. 

He looked up at the sky "Jay, please, I know what you meant now. Please, watch her when I can't, don't let her get taken from me as you had." He quietly begged before jumping into his car and following the ambulance to the hospitol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I redid this story, same concept but more in depth, the first chapter centering around Nicks deppression and alcoholism, this chapter centering around Jordans ptsd. The stories compliant with both the movie and the book, before Nick sends himself to the sannitarium in the movie (This being the reason he does) and certin qoutes in the book that aren't in the Movie. Aand since I can't help myself I had to give them atleast some what of a happy ending so I will. But, I know this is a bit of a stretch from anything that could happen in the story this is just some twisted late night idea that popped into my head originally inspired by Lana Del Raes song Without You, which is why I changed the title and added the lyrics, I can't remember why I didn't put them before. So, it's still a more dark twisted way the story could have ended and still gives an idea of why Jordan was so cold, with people always thinking she gets everything she wants but what if she didn't at all, and the same Nick/ Gatsby situation, just with more detail and a better ending then before. Comments appreciated always.


	3. Escaping Tragedy

Jordan woke up with a cough, blinded by the bright lights of a cold room unfamiliar to her. A hospitol room she figured, but why?

Panicking, she looked down, seeing stitches and wraps on her hands, wrists and arms. What happened? How long had she been here? Who got her here? So many questions filled her mind as she stared at the small scars under her nails. She glanced past a mirror in her room, her eyes catching onto a purple marking under her eye. She wondered if the hospitol had known how that got-

A new form of panic awoke in her. Nick, where was he? Did she hurt him? Did he hurt her? Did he know she was here?

 

Hearing her wake up Nick put his pen and paper down to look at her, quick to stand up and see her for the first time in those two days. "Hello Jordan."

She turned her head to look at him, surprised to see him standing at her bed side

"Nick?:" She whispered

"I didn't expect... What, what happened to me?" 

Clearing his throat he stared at the ground, not wanting to see the look in her eyes. "You, you tried too... their was a mirror in my room you-" He sighed frustratingly, thinking of how he would tell her what he saw.

"Just tell me Nick. It's quite clear something had gone wrong, so you might as well spit it out-"

"You had tried to end your own life." Nick said flatly. 

 Wide eyed and in shock she stared at Nick until his eyes met hers. Trying to recall that day, she couldn't remember a thing except waking up in his bedroom, nothing else."What?"   

He walked around the room, trying to figure it out himself. "I don't really know exactly. I was going to knock on the bedroom door to appolligize to you when I heard you scream and a multitude of other loud noises. I burst into the room to see you spread out in your lingerie on my floor, screaming and crying, with a piece of glass in your hand. I called an ambulance and tried to keep you awake. When the ambulance arrived I had followed them, once we got to the hospitol they said you had stabbed yourself in many areas. My guess is that You smashed the mirror and used the glass..."

Starting to remember small fragments of that morning, the mirror, her bruise, having flashbacks of the awful things that had happened to her, she recalls that, but she doesn't recall doing anything harmful to herself or anyone else. Perhaps the flashbacks, or perhaps after reliving all of it she had finnally snapped, and the fact she doesn't remember it scared her even more.

"You think me insane." She stated, remembering she had had certain moments when she was alone, after that Summer where she would remember all these tragic times in her life and fall apart- sort of. But she had never hurt herself or anything of the kind until now. Had she finnaly lost it? Was Nick the breaking-

"I don't think you're insane, Jordan." Nick stated, a serious look on his face. "I just want to know what happened. What had been so terrible in your life that had made-"

"Their are plenty of things that would have made me lose myself, Nick." She bit. "Though I know you think otherwise my life has not always been so perfect, their are Many things you have no idea of-"

"Like that scar going across your lower half?" He pressed, he didn't like surprises and as of late, secrets. "The scar that I know for a FACT- had not been their when we were together? You may have been bleeding profusely, but it was still fairily noticeable. Was that from another episode, has this happened before what has happened to you since I left-"

"Their are plenty of things that had happened to me before you were around to cause this as well, if you would like to know" She spat, feeling her throat tighten "and- and that scar-" She choked.

His face softened looking at her, he wanted to make things better between the two, not worse. He had lost her twice, he couldn't take her for granted again and wound up losing her for a third time. "I'm- I'm sorry Jordan. You just, life seemed to be so swell for you, so for you to be acting this way, it made me angry, and upset and completely confused. But, I suppose I don't know truly, and That's not fair to you-"

"It's not." She cried, "But," She closed her eyes once, as if t would help her unsee all the things she had. "If you would like to discuss it, I want to try. I want to beable to tell you everything. That scar... Is certainly Not from my own doing. However, it was certainly a reason for why I ended up here. I will explain it all at some pointbut it won't be here. I can't, I won't. The way things have been going between us, it doesn't make me feel that I can talk to you about them at all."

He nodded stiffly. "I suppose, I suppose that's fair. Just, just answer this- have you ever wanted too?"

"I'm not that weak Nick. I had never wanted too, I was falling apart yes, but I never thought I'd-"

"This wasn't a conscious decision of yours then?" He bewildered, sitting in his chair again, moving it up to her bed to face her.

"No." She said innocently, shaking her head. "I remember standing up to look at myself in the mirror. Seeing the mark on my chee-" 

"Looking at myself" She corrected "I started to remember everything that had gone wrong in my life. The pictures, the memories, they were so vivid I must have-"

"Believed them to be real?"

"Y- yes. How did you know-"

"I used to get them." He sighed, remembering times when he would be home and anything would trigger those awful attacks. "Just after coming home from the war. Luckily I had gotten out of them, but I remember that being what would happen."

"I don't know what's wrong with me." She said dejectedly. "I hadn't been in war, I hadn't dealt with anything of the kind but sometimes memories from those... things that had happened would just, come back to haunt me. That morning I suppose they had haunted me a bit to much."

He let out a small, doleful chuckle "Yes, I would say so."

 

"What's going to happen to me Nick?" She asked fearfully, she knew people with any sort of mental problem were to be gotten rid of, taken away from society. And after everything had went wrong she knew that the press was probably all over it and their was nowhere left for her to hide.

"I know what happens to those with problems such as these. And everyone had probably already heard of what happened to me. I can read it now 'Jordan Baker's lost her mind for the whole world to see!' My reputation is surely ruined" She exclaimed, trying to keep the tremble in her voice at bay.

"Nothings going to happen to you and nothings wrong with you, per say... The doctors had told me they were considering sending you to a psych ward, but once I explained who you were and that you could sue them for treating you in such a way they quickly had a change of mind. And as for your status, Minnesota isn't exactly like New York. They don't care who you are, and if anything were to happen to you, unless you made it public yourself, no one would speak a word of it. Of course their are a few, but I've kept them away. Noones found out about this."

"I knew their was something good about this town." She joked, a warm smile creeping onto her face.

"But, You did that for me, Nick?" She asked in wonderment. The last time they spoke had not gone so well, where had that Nick Carraway gone? She wondered. Squinting at him, she noticed his eyes were the purest white and brightest blue she'd seen since he met her that Summer, and though he looked tired and a bit pale, he looked sober. "Have you been drinking Nick?"

"Ah, I was waiting for that question." He laughed. "No, not since that morning. I havent been home much, spending most of my time at work or here." His whole body felt awful, but this was what he needed, and hopefully something he could continue. Jay had given him the biggest wakeup call he'd ever received, and with Jordan Baker to help him no doubt.

She moved her head back in shock. "You don't say."

He nodded. "Yes. Jordan, that morning, when I had come to appoliigize to you, a bouquet of roses in hand complete with a fully thought out appolligy I wanted to say that you were right. We do need something, and I wanted you to know I never wanted to hurt you. I had always cared for you, though it was burried in anguish, I still had. The way I treated you, completely  out of my mind was unacceptable and you don't deserve that type of treatment- certainly not from me. Don't ever be so accepting of it either, that's not who you are. Anyhow, I had a plan to see you that morning with a want to restart. Holding you in my lap as I had Jay... I thought it was to late. I made a promise to you. If you stayed I promised that things were going to be better. I still want that Jordan, and the way I reacted to you just minutes ago doesn't help, but I'm still learning, and not being without a drink this long is ripping me apart, But I do want to try Jordan, I do."

She blinked at him, not knowing how to respond. She was going to stay regardless, she meant it when she said she was staying even if it killed her, but now here he was, the man she so desperately wanted back, reappearing right in front of her eyes.  "How?"

"Well, I plan on staying by your side until you get out of here, but I do want to get you help, Jordan. You and I, we both need it So between now and till they let you go I am currently looking for a personal therapist for you. Then, since I know you'll be situated and I can trust I'm not going to see you like that again, I'm sending myself to a sanitarium. You and me, were going to be better. It'll take time, but we will. Then we can talk to eachother and support eachother the way we need."

"You promise?" She asked, feeling she was sounding like a child, but she didn't care in the least.

Taking her hand, he agreed. "Yes, I promise."


End file.
